Aging Parents Don’t Need Fixers…They Need Listeners
Anti-Aging, Dementia, Alzheimers, Karl Edmunds, Security - Home and Personal |
by Karl Edmunds
Finding myself in the Boomers category has brought me some interesting insights. In the process of caring for my own aging parents, I have noticed my initial inclination to want to fix them, to remind them, to give answers and solutions and ultimately to transform their behavior to align with my own expectations.
This arrogance is born out of my own ignorance of the aging process and what it entails. Now, rather than suggesting a solution or a fix, there is an intuitive movement within me to simply be present and listen.
The aging process certainly doesn’t eliminate the barriers and relationship issues that were erected from the early family years but the level of compassion towards them deepens with the realization that nobody has perfect clarity about life and every person is doing the best they can to be happy and make good decisions. The relationship barriers soften and relational depth occurs as listening replaces the need to defend and fix one another.
Listening is Love
David Augsburger, author of the book “Caring Enough to Hear and Be Heard” suggests that “being listened to is so close to being loved that most people don’t know the difference.” While you can’t necessarily teach people how to love, it is possible to help people learn to be better listeners and be transformed in the process.
First, tear down the walls of gossip, judgment and the need to dispense advice. Let your interaction with parents, spouses and other family members be a safe space. Learn to ask questions and then listen rather than filter everything said through your own prepared answers.
Begin to be aware of the desire we often have to preface every response with “what you should do is…” and slowly eliminate this approach. Make contact with your eyes. Stop trying to be busy doing something else while listening. Don’t interrupt, even if you don’t immediately agree or you think you know exactly where the conversation is going. And by all means, be careful that your words do not reflect personal judgment.
Responses such as “tell me more…” or “what was that like for you…?” are good indicators to a person that you are hearing them and seeking to understand rather than judge and fix a problem. So often, active listening becomes a far greater service than any words you can speak.
Boomers that are serving aging parents as caregivers can see this role as nothing more than a job that must be done or as a sort of ministry. When your interaction with parents goes beyond the fulfillment of outward tasks and active listening begins, a healing occurs and a love and appreciation unfolds that will be a source of nourishment and good will long after your parents have passed and the outward job is over. Learning to listen is a skill and can be learned by simply doing it. As you do it and experience the results, an unbreakable connection is made—which is what life and family is all about.
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